Am I REALLY back?

I dunno.
Am I?

I left this blog in a pause not only because I was busy but also 'cause I tought nobody reads it.

But lately I've been checking my counter and I realised that I have more than 200 visits by day.

Most part of it from USA.

That is one of the reasons why I'm writing in English. Because everyone understands it.

The other is because I became to think in English. That's weird but it's the truth.

I'm starting to think in English. And not just in the English classes.

So, here I am. Writing.

I don't know about what.

About my work? No way. About my life? Maybe.

I'm back to school and, after one week, I'm already hating it. I hate to be there.

It's so strange to say this. I'm a good student, I really am. But I still hate it.

I came from there depressed.

Maybe it's because I have to be quiet all day in the right same place.

Maybe because of people who are there.

They make me sad. They make me sick. Most people.

Some (my friends) give me joy.

But then I look around me and I see all those ones who are there.

Popular people that look at me like if I'm strange, different (yes, I am!), like if I'm some kind of puppy they found out there and that needs to be save.

Do I need? I dunno. Anyway, even if I need to, they don't want to rescue me. They won't do it.

Because I'm different. Because different people should be ignored.

And then I start thinking in stupid things when I have to look at them.

I'm not like them.

I'm not popular, I'm not pretty, I don't have everyone around me. People usually don't like me.

I'm just someone. A black point in their white damn pretty life.

I'm not thin, I don't wear pink, I wear black eyeliner, my fave colour is black and I do have a brain. Should I feel guilty for that?

Should I blame myself because I'm not like them?

I just want to be normal but I refuse to be like them.

Barbie dolls without hearts. People who look like robots.

I don't have a life. But I don't want THEIR lives.

Just want to be ordinary. Just want to be rescued. Just want to be loved.

Don't we all deseirve it?

I don't want to face the truth. I prefer to live in this fucking lie.

To think that we all can dream, that we all have someone in our destiny, to think that someday I'll be loved. But it is just a damn lie.

And even if we want to live a lie, we'll find the truth someday. We can't avoid it forever. It will appear even if we don't want to.

I feel depressed, useless.

I know I shouldn't feel this way. That's true.

Sometimes I see other people feeling like I am right now and I tell them they shouldn't be like that.

But we all do someday.

I can't stop it. I feel like this.

I try to think in my value, in my life.

Who am I really?

I'm just a girl. I'm young. I don't know what's life. And life doesn't want to know about me.

I never had a best friend or a boyfriend. I'm a good student but I'm not brilliant.

I want to study Languages but the are where I am doesn't offer me to much options when talking about that. I have subjects that I don't want, that I hate.

I want to be somebody but it seems that there's a lot of bareers to me. Why??

I want to be important, to HAVE A LIFE, to be loved.

Maybe I already am by some people. But it's not enough to me right now.

I'm different. Does someone understand how that can hurt?

I'm a teenager. But I'm not a pink girl. I don't have a boyfriend or guys around me. Not a big best friend. I'm not always drunk. I don't go out. I'm not fucking normal.

I'm just looking for place in the world. I'm just trying to find love somewhere.

And don't tell me that it is a fooly think 'cause it is not. Love is important.

I'm going to stop writing. I'm definitely not in the mood for it. I'm depressed and I don't want to depress anyone.
See you. Or not.

P.S. - I leave you with a little (??) poem I wrote yesterday. No big deal. Depressing too. But I realised that I write better when I'm sad. Just that.

I’m here, standing in this cold room
My hands are freezing without the heat that warms my heart
The emptyness fulls this blank space
Where I can’t speak, where I can’t rest my head
There’s no voice coming out from my scream
And it sounds like a whisper to you
So you don’t listen, you go on
The corridor it’s just a wall
And in this doorless room
I remember all your fake promises
That we’ll never fell apart, you’d stay here by my side
But the distance is bigger than your heart
The pain starts burning, it’s already a flame
That starts writing strange words in the clean dark wall
Hope starts fading, ‘cause there’s no coming back
There’s no more coming back

I try to find somewhere to escape
Just want to ask for help
But I’m stuck in this prison
There’s no grading but something is pulling me
I ask it to stop but I can’t fight, it’s stronger than me
It starts cleaning all my toughts
And I start asking myself who I am
‘Cause I can’t remember
Dark clouds start to rise
In the ceiling sky
Where a rainbow bridge starts to shine
And I plead and pray
That someone find and rescue me
‘Cause I have no more profile
I’m no one else in this masses world
I’m just a point and I have no more name
They made my head empty and now I’m just nameless

And then there’s a light
Shine and bright
I lift my hand to protect myself and I’m no more just me
You can see the mans behind cameras of the tv stations at distance
And they make a movie, they play me like a toy
They use my nightmare for ratings
And then I wanna cry
But they taped my mouth and kept all my tears
In a dirty test tube
Guinea they say and laugh
Just a guinea in a reality stupid show
You can’t see where you are
And the flashes make me blind
So I can’t see you anymore
And hearing is my radar when there’s nothing else
And I can hear you so well
Right behind this wall
Crying for what we never said
For what we felt some lives ago
But we’re not able to say
Free me from this tight ropes
I know you can do it
With just a simple word

Until you forget about me
I’ll be hoping for you to save me
There are days when I am afraid
To forget about all the rainbow colours you gave to me
There are nights when I sleep awake
Thinking about the days we lost
With the silence we kept in our hearts
When they turned ice
But don’t be scared with it
‘Cause the important is nothing else then our last day
And I know you’ll give me your hand when the day starts
And when the sunshine comes you’ll help me to fall
To not be afraid of jumping into darkness
When I’ll be your silent angel
Guidin’ you with my dark tatooed wings

And I’m waiting for that word
But you still go on
You don’t stop
You listen, you look and you believe that you’ll find me
But you can’t see me or hear me
‘Cause I’m just a shadow that walks behind you
And when you turn I’m no more there
You can’t catch me
And I’m no one else
Just a dark side of an eclipse
Where you can find me shining
Look it in my eyes
And you’ll see there’s no escape to this end
To the day when I’ll be fading away
When I’ll find new goals
When I’ll desappear after hearing that word you’ll say
And then I’ll stop
I won’t image, I won’t look at you,
I won’t dream with the plans we secretly had
I won’t be chasing you in the dark
Where you can’t see me

And I feel this ropes falling down
And I feel this strenght freein’ me
And this wall is breaking down
And now you see me
Here, on the floor
Waiting for you
For the words you never said and the promises you kept
But I know you’ll tell me that word
That will be the end of my ilusions
And I wait with patience
While you’re staring at me
And then I feel your lips moving for the word I was hoping
Over
My echo it’s no more than a distant memory
And I feel myself going down with all my wishes
And then I see the edge coming
But I’m no more afraid
Of diving into depht
Because we’re going together
Just me and you

P.P.S - Just a few pictures I edited of Bill K. with lyrics from songs I like. And I'm in of it, ofc.

P.P.P.S - Fucking stupid and sad post. I know. You don't have to read it 'cause I didn't either.